Legacy

Legacy

I think the hardest things for us to accept in life, is how many things happen without us able to influence them in any way.

I remember when I was young, very young, I thought it was possible to change the world. I firmly believed that if we all stood up for something at once, great waves of change could be made.

Years changed me.

I am now 46 and so different from the feisty young, opinionated woman that I once was. I shall not bore you with details of how much of the changes were brought about, but one of the many things I have learned in life, is that sometimes we need to take a BIG step back from situations, people, and feelings.

All we are guaranteed is the very moment we are living in. Since I started this, many of those moments have passed, but not in vain. Some of the thoughts in this piece of writing have been bubbling away in my subconscious for many days now, stealing my moments of peace. Far better to take the time and write them down.

I have called this piece ‘Legacy’ for two reasons: I am very much the result of that which has been handed down to me in life; I use that, and my moments of deep introspection to try and (hopefully) leave a better legacy when I am gone.

There is nothing that I have any control over in life, but myself.

I can neither affect how people react to me, nor what they think of me. The only thing I can do is be myself, consistently myself.

I am truly blessed by so many in my life. I have a core of people on both sides of the screen who are genuinely pleased to hear from me and whose sides hurt as much from laughter as mine do when we are together. How wonderful it is for me to be chosen for someone to want to spend time with.

Years ago my dear friend Steph told me that I must never look back to how someone treated me in the past… when they were happy to see me. It was a very hard lesson to take on board, but she was right! (She usually is! ❤ )

Don’t think it’s easy for me to simply step away from people. Far from it! Those of you who know me, know much I beat myself up over feeling I fail as a friend. This year, just this year, I have lost the trust and closeness of someone I hold dear. I also had my trust taken by another and used almost as a bargaining chip. Yes, both these events hurt me deeply and angered me too, but I am truly neither an easy friend to have, nor meant to be friends with all.

I am too much of most things. I pester too much, I joke too much. I often say the wrong things at the wrong times. I desperately try and patch up my mistakes, and often make things worse. I spiral. I can have very dark moments of hating myself…. and then I need to breathe and step back.

I have often been asked not to contact someone. Sometimes it has been because of how I am, and things I have done wrong. Sometimes it’s because the person simply has too much going on in their life to deal with me too. I have learnt to try and simply accept that people run out of patience with me and are finally done.

I am damaged. I am so flawed that anyone who is my friend truly has to try hard to look past the legacy of damage which leaves me awkward, over-sensitive and at times, someone to be walked away from.

I don’t simply accept this. I work… on.. me. I try and mend myself. I try and fix the many things which make me too much for those I am even close to.

What I do accept, is the decision of those to walk away from me. There are many good things in me too, and those closest to me know them. Some of you reading this know me from a ‘virtual existence’ and you can think yourselves lucky that you don’t get many texts or phone calls from me. Oh I am a cheeky natterer who can talk on and on for hours about nothing much in particular. *chuckles*

Every Tuesday I meet a group of friends before our shift at work. We sit and eat our sandwiches on the bench in the gardens at work… and put the world to right. We laugh, often apologizing for the volume when visitors walk past. In truth they usually smile back and join in though. Each one of us value that time. We send emails to and fro during the week and know that whatever good, or bad times we have had to face, we can share all on the bench and either feel the joy magnified, or the problems shared.

The world changes. Our friendships change. If things go wrong, the only part WE can change, is ourselves. We can’t make someone want to be close to us again, want to trust again. All we can do is live, move on, fix our issues, and hope that time will heal the parts meant to be healed.

Only last week I was blessed to have the chance to spend time with a friend that I hadn’t been able to enjoy the company of for so long. We picked up from where we had left off.

 

Nothing remains the same.

The world moves on, and so should we.

My wished legacy? For all my oddness, and the issues I inflict on others, I hope my son will grow up to see how amazing he is, how much he’s valued for the person he is, and how much he matters to me. In fact… that is pretty much the legacy I endeavour to pass to those who are close to me.

The good thing is that friendships and relationships are not set in stone. Time and effort can heal those things which are meant to be fixed.

 

Credits:

 

HAIR:     MINA – Lily

BODYSUIT:     Blueberry – Serena

PANTS:            Blueberry – Serena

 

 

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Serenity

Serenity

Things happen to us in life.

“Shit happens”

Some of you who know me, know that I tend to worry, trying to avoid problems before they occur, but not everything is under my control. You would have thought that I could have accepted this before the age of 46! *chuckles* It’s hard to. It’s hard to hold my hands up, shrug my shoulders and simply move on. It seems so defeatist, yet to simply accept and deal with upset of the moment is far simpler, in the long-run, than engaging in that other thing to which I am predisposed: beating myself up over things.

Breathe…

sigh at what has happened, and what has been lost…

take some time to get used to how things have changed…

rebuild and refocus…

find that smile again and realise…

nothing has to change me, and who I am unless I want it to. There is much which is good and positive about me. I can lift my chin and smile, look around me at the other wonderful things and people which do remain and smile at how they affect me, and how I am able to contribute positively.

Peace, acceptance, calm, lightness….

Picture taken on the wonderful Savor Serenity in SL: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Serena%20Lady%20Blue/128/128/2

Anticipation

HomeSoon

She smiled as she looked at her reflection in the mirror, twisting this way, and that. A soft chuckle escaped her lips as she spoke to her reflection. “Oh yes… I am pretty sure he will appreciate the outfit.” She tugged gently at the frills which adorned the blue lingerie she had chosen especially for his home-coming.

She crossed the room and turned out the light, raising a brow as she let her eyes adjust to the soft blue moonlight which flowed through the window and softened the outlines of the pillows and throw she had arranged. They almost seemed to glow in cosy invitation, but she was not yet finished with the scene she wished to greet her Love with as he returned home.

It took small effort to remove the cork from the perfectly chilled champagne, before she filled two glasses and set them down on the trunk which she had chosen to be her vantage point. To sit and wait there would give her a clear view of him approaching.

She was the final part of his presented gift, and she slid herself onto the seat and settled back into the cushions to await him. She shifted a little and leaned against the window frame, her warm breath causing small circles of excited cloud against the dark of the night-chilled glass.

She slid the toe of her shoe against the wood of the frame, her eyes following its point tracking along the lines of grain. Just as she had spent their time apart, part of her mind was always with him. Days had passed, events come and gone in his absence, but each had been recorded, experiences to be shared once they were back together.

She smiled… yes, there would be much to spend time talking about… eventually.

 

Credits:

Lingerie: La Reina Ruffled Lingerie, from Valentina.

Shoes: Daria Pumps from Pure Poison

Lovebirds candle and wooden trunk: Apple Fall

Cushions: !gO! from Krakow

 

 

Ready!

Peril

 

She walked deeper into the woods, the night and undergrowth serving as much as cover, as it was her shield.

Each footstep was carefully placed so as not to give her position away before she had to.

Pausing, she turned slowly and closed her eyes, her ears perceiving more than her sight could. A smile tugged at one corner of her mouth as her instincts were confirmed. The stench of the figure gave away its location to her right, the shambling footfalls of the other to her left placed him clumsily where she had supposed.

“Fools!” She thought, then kicked a stone over to her right, shaking her head gently as the two pursuers changed direction, making to head exactly past where she was hidden and ready for them. She almost felt sorry for them…..

 

Pose featured from One Shot,  by Gingerfish. Further details: https://thereaftersl.wordpress.com/

 

 

Pause!

Pause

Life is a constant bombardment. It seems like every moment of every hour brings an assault on our senses from all angles: noise; colour, thoughts and demands. It is too easy to drown in it all

That is when I pour a coffee, close my eyes, and pause.

Sometimes all I can do is stop and take a breath. It is in these moments of quiet that I can hear what is truly important. This is when I can focus on what is needed.

Moments of quiet are essential for me. It’s like turning the power off…. and on again.

 

Credits:

Hair:         Wasabi Pills – Mango

Shirt:         ISON – yso tied shirt

Shorts:       Blueberry – Lola

Shoes:        VALE KOER – Bow wedges

Sofa:           BAZAR – Berlin

Table:         BAZAR – Toronto Coffee Table

Flowers:    CONSIGNMENT – Calla Lily

Coffee:       Apple Fall – Coffee and Muffin

 

Thorns and duty.

Thorns

It’s been a while since I brought anything from Briarhaven….. so here’s something from the continued meddlings of a fairy called Mora 😉

 

Mora chuckles as she is almost hauled through The Glade, Bug pulling one hand, and Dandy the other. The fae children gabble at her about thorns and silks being torn. “Hang on, slow down… only one of you talk at a time!” she urges. Both children pause, look at the other, then start again. Mora laughs louder and pulls back against both, making them stop. “Now…” She looks at Dandy “YOU tell me what the matter is!”

The young girl fairy takes a deep breath, then gabbles quickly, her already high-pitched voice raising with excitement “They all appeared overnight… just are… there… they have covered the throne… ” “CHAIR!” Bug chimes in “It’s just a chair!”

Bug decides a more direct approach is needed and grabs Mora’s hand again, dragging her to the entrance to the Seelie ruins. Her eyes widen with joy as she sees the thorns “Ohhhh…. I see what you mean!” Bug lets her hand go and she steps into the ruins, and walks carefully towards the mass of thorns.

Mora’s bare toes wriggle into the grass and moss, as she softly speaks to the tangle of thorns, reaching out her long fingers and gently caressing the gnarled and twisted stems. Bug and Dandy watch her silently, amazed at how deftly her fingers slide between even the most angry and jagged thorns, leaving not even the slightest scrape on her pale skin.

If the children had been closer and knew the words of the ancients they might have heard her speak to the thorns. “Who sent you, I know you were not called by me….. but one of power has brought you forth.” Her fingers and toes read the reply as small vibrations are carried to her through the very earth itself. No words that others would hear, but from her connection to all plants living, Mora understands their answer, as they are relieved to feel her there. “The King who wields the power of winter and ice called us here… we know not why.”

A soft smile plays at the corners of Mora’s mouth, then grows wider as her fingers continue to stroke and calm the thorns. “Perhaps he turns from the unnatural way of arcane magic, and returns to his given powers as King of the Enchanted” She softly muses to herself, before chanting to the thorns “Well, my lovelies, in that case, if the King has bidden it, you must remain here, but despair not… create a barrier of beauty and flourish.” The thorns seem to almost tremble a sigh as they twist and curve tighter in on themselves, creating a barrier which can not be easily penetrated, but one which is beautiful to behold in structure.

Bug and Dandy look amazed at Mora as she turns back to them. “Aren’t you going to get rid of them?” Dandy asks. Mora smiles and places her hand on the girl’s head. “Goodness no. It seems King Pyrite called them here, and as he is our King, it is not for me to remove them. ” She looks back to the thorns, then back to the children. “I tell you something though… they would appreciate it if you sang to them now and then. Plants like that… even ones that are good at keeping others away…. especially those, as they provide protection at times.” She grins, knowing the children will learn and tend to the thorns and in time, if left long enough roses may spring from some, and brambles from others.

 

Life lived in colour

Friends

 

Friendships are like flowers, they bring colour and perfume to life, but just like plants, each needs tending and nurturing to flourish. I sometimes wonder if I am a better gardener than I am a friend.

I will be honest… I can be a very difficult friend to hang onto over time. These blogrambles show how much I contemplate and question things in life, and often those closest to me have my emotions rained down on them at times, to the point where some are in danger of drowning and need to flee to save themselves.

As old as I am, I am still learning about friendships. I watch… I see patterns repeating themselves, and sadly I am always very hard on myself. I *think* I am a giving and patient friend. I would like to think I am someone who can share the good and fun times, as well as weathering storms at your side. There are times when I am told by honest friends, that I come across differently. At times I am told what others say about me and how negative an influence I can be on the lives of others.

My natural reaction when I see a friend in trouble, is to step in and defend them, or take the flack in their place. This is not always wanted, or needed though. It’s just that I have been through so much hardship and pain in life, that I would prefer to save anyone I care for from feeling the same way.

For too many years I have neglected what should be the most important friend in my life… myself. Too often I have put the needs of others before my own. This has been something I have been working to rectify over the past year or more.

I no longer have patience for those who would seem to be a friend, but at the first chance they get, who would throw me under the proverbial bus, if it would give them a chance to survive in my place. Treat me badly, speak ill of me, then turn to me with a smiling face of false friendship, and rest-assured you will find yourself cut free for good. I don’t think this is harsh, I just don’t have the time or energy to try and solve the issues of those who think that is how friendship works.

I am blessed. I have a small core of people I am proud to call friend. Each friendship is at a different place of growth and closeness, but each brings me so much joy and I try to pay that back too! I try to give each friendship what it needs to not only survive, but to bloom!

Recently I discovered something wonderful. In amongst the collection of plants, there may be one which has lain seemingly forgotten… the neglected remains which at first glance seem shriveled and dead. Unless there was a real reason to discard a friendship, I keep it there, the person held in my thoughts and heart, even if they give me no further thought or time. If both sides of that friendship wish to rekindle it, it’s wonderful to see the magic which can happen when two people truly put all their nurturing efforts into something.

True friendship is worth much and all efforts, in my opinion. There’s no time in life to waste effort and care in trying to grow much on ‘barren ground’. Don’t lose your smile over this, turn your face to the bright joy of the wonderfully flowering friendships who delight in you as much as you do in them. Life truly is too short to lose time over pain and sadness.